koalaonasubmarine:

Ziva: So EJ is…gone? (YES THAT BITCH FINALLY FUCKED OFF)

Tony: And safe. For a change. (Thank God she’s leaving me alone now)

Ziva: May I ask where? (How far away is she and what are the chances of her coming back and haunting us?)

Tony: Someplace quiet, with someone she can count on. Hopefully.

Ziva: That is the word, is it not? Hopefully. Even when you think you can count on someone you often cannot. (Tell me about. My abnormally large-eared boyfriend refuses to contact me).

Tony: Do I detect a blip on the Ray-dar? (TELL ME EVERYTHING)

Ziva: I would rather not discuss it.

Tony: Well, at least EJ and I parted…friends. Agent Cruz seems to have some communication issues. (You’re kinda dating a total dickhead)

Ziva: Yeah and I’m losing my patience!

Tony: As well you should. (I’m so proud). You know, we have a lot in common in that respect. (We should date. Yes, it took me six and a half years and a mid-life crisis to realise it but I’m realising it now).

Ziva: You think?

Tony: I don’t think. I know.

Ziva: Well then, I am….grateful to have someone in my life who is as…romantically dysfunctional as I am. (We both have issues, and we’re both the reasons for each other’s issues).

Tony: Agent David, do you really consider me to be in your life? (I didn’t expect to actually get anywhere with this so now imma just say something weird).

*cell rings*

Tony: No. (WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK)

Ziva: Yes. (Could he have worse timing?)

Tony: Seriously. (Why are you putting yourself through this crap. WHAT IS THIS)

Ziva: What should I say? (Tell me I should say nothing and dump his sorry ass)

Tony: Say hello. (WHAT IS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH. my brain is either trying to make me a good friend or making me manipulate the situation so when you realise Dumbo isn’t all that jazz I’m the one you come running to)

*she squeezes past* *lingering eye sex* *multiple eyegasms*

Ziva: Ray? Hello? No, I can talk. (This better be fucking important. I was just having eye-sex with a hot Italian while you were off ignoring me for the past eight weeks and it was far more pleasurable than anything YOU’VE ever done)

Tony: (Asshole)